I am tired and weary of the battle and the armor with which I
adorn myself with each day is heavy on my body. I am slow to rise and so easily
fall. The battle that rages within the confines of the grey matter of my mind
seems difficult to overcome. The walls press in and my arms shake as I try with
all my might to keep them from crushing me.
I am now awake in the midnight hour as sleep eludes this
restless soul. So many questions remain unanswered as different scenarios spin
out of control like race cars in the Indy 500. I am afraid of the fiery crash
that may ensue and engulf me in flames. I take a deep slow breath and exhale even
slower many times in a row.
I lay back and rest my head on the pillow and look out the
skylight above me. The dark blue of the night sky was lit with one single
solitary star within in the border of the window pane. I focused on the small
light and imagined the heavens above. I felt God looking down on me, but asked
in a whisper under my breath, “Do I really matter in the vastness of your
creation?” No answered arrived to my listening ears.
I gently pulled headphones over my hair, snuggled them
against my ears, and began to hear the music play. I closed my eyes to envision
my Savior holding my hand. The Gentle Healer’s arms embracing me in a great big
hug. A peaceful moment I had longed for most of the evening.
In my own power, I cannot make something happen or wish it
into existence. It is only in His power that anything is possible. I can try
with all my might to “do” everything I know to make something happen, but it is
not going to happen unless He allows. God is sovereign over all. I must relent
and yield to His awesome power in my weakness and know I can let go of the
walls for they will not crush me for His strength is sufficient.
